todays semi-vintage whine

I am feeling trapped in my life. I am alone really. My friends call when they need me (and yes this is after years in some cases of being the initiator and being the one who always called or messaged) and otherwise nothing. My sons dad is around out of obligation and our relationship has been over for years in frank honesty. I am stifled in a 'real job' or rather lack of one since I gave it all up to do artsy stuff at home to be with my kid years ago and now am unemployable. That fact wouldn't be so bad if my artsy life were doing anything half as well in sales as it was a few years ago. It's not.
I feel every day as if I am forcing myself to get up, to go on, to even exist.
I know lack of passion is the key here. I just find myself confused on how to light the spark within again.
I do feel sometimes as if coming here and kvetching isn't helping. Other times I feel it is because it's out there in black and white and I can say "phew, got that off my chest, feel a bit lighter".
I do hope it won't always be like this. I am grateful in the meantime for the dropping spot.
I know there is more to me than this. I know there is something wonderful in me. I know there are wonderful experiences, people and life waiting beyond all this.
Best song to describe feelings right now.... the Smiths - How Soon is Now

hello again

I want to be lyrical as in my beginning posts and perhaps I will again, another time.

I wanted to say forgive my absence and well, fuck you if you won't.

Life had overwhelmed me with injury and insults to injury. I however have felt like I am beginning to go with the current instead of fight it. It's a different feeling.

Things are far from sorted out. I have issues still, some the same some new, and some have moved on. I am still struggling with people in my life who refuse to see or believe how they hurt me. Perhaps I should just cut them out of my life you say. It's just not that easy when they are who they are. It's also not that easy when money is the way it is right now. I won't say that if I were to have say a million in my hands I would be having to deal with them but for now, as things are they inhabit that dark little corner over there. I will tell you that I refuse to linger with them in their misery and hate and misguidances.

Play nice with each other, I'll be back soon.

siri
xo

A bit of

It has been a bit of a dance for me.
I have felt sick from the swirling of life going on around me. I felt still jostled and not at all able to find the right rhythm or step.
I have had a bit of euphoria as I plan and purchase gifts for a few very special friends for very major occasions in their lives. But still inside is the bit of sadness and anger at the state of my lack of occasions.
I have spent many sleepless nights thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Then spent the days in between going much of the same again.
I feel as if I know the song, the steps and the tempo but am deaf to the beautiful music that is all around me and in fact within me.

in my absence

In my absence I have been journeying to a solution of sorts. It is still a long road for me to put on the finishing details or even attempt to see the end destination, but it is an answer. It requires effort and passion to see it through, to not fall away from the path. Somehow it is a baby step that I know will lead to new places and wonderful things.
I am scared. I am more frightened by the fact I am asking and answering these pondering all by myself. I am not falling into the past habits of continually double checking to see if you, or you, or even you approve. I am staging a full blown mutiny and taking control of my own course. I am terrified I will not be strong enough to hold course, to fight the battering doubts and voices (of myself and others who assume they know best), to shine like the north star.
I have no map, only a vague hope of the destination I hope to find.
That is enough.

if wishes were...

Here's a saying some of you might be familiar with.... if wishes were fishes then we'd all be fed.
What I want to know dearest readers, is why not?

Is it a question of not getting everything (or certain things) we wish for because really in the long run or in truth, they / it would not be good for us so, we don't get it. Or is it a question in other cases of just not really believing in your heart that you can or should be able to have it?

In my opinion... half a dozen of one and 6 of the other.

Awake and dreaming

I feel when I think of this certain person as if I am awake yet dreaming. He is not mine. He does not know I exist. Yet, somehow he makes my knees weak.
I imagine if I truly knew him I'd find his flaws just the same. That he'd point out all my quirks and the sparing of lovers would continue, just in another arena. But would it?
Is it possible that a soulmate, a true love, someone who sees your 'flaws' yet still is madly in love with you really exists?
I have settled for many things, including 'love' (or what turned out to not be love) in my past but in my heart there this dream of true love still lives. How it's survived all it's lies, aches, breaks and general mistreatment I will never know. How even in it's current state, it manages to still believe, even when the thinking part of me has given up on it, my heart still believes.
So dearest love, my heart tells me you are real and you are out there in this big world somewhere, this has been a note to let you know I still believe and I still wait to be held and safe in your embrace.

Did you

Did you miss me while I was away? Or like most I have known, was it a relief?

Did you wonder if this journal was a quick passing fancy and now I was off to lean my soul somewhere else? Or did you, having been intrigued by my writing, wish for me to hurry back to see more of my turmoil?

In truth I did miss you but I needed a break from the questioning. Not that I didn't do the questioning while I was away, because I did. I just needed the quiet introspection, the solitude to peruse.

Like the inevitable winter, I return and wait for the spring.