Did you

Did you miss me while I was away? Or like most I have known, was it a relief?

Did you wonder if this journal was a quick passing fancy and now I was off to lean my soul somewhere else? Or did you, having been intrigued by my writing, wish for me to hurry back to see more of my turmoil?

In truth I did miss you but I needed a break from the questioning. Not that I didn't do the questioning while I was away, because I did. I just needed the quiet introspection, the solitude to peruse.

Like the inevitable winter, I return and wait for the spring.

Have I

Have I been frightened too long?

Have I let too much of life pass me buy to begin to begin again? To discover and to renew my life? To find the passion that flared even briefly and harness it to bring me to a better place in my life and creativity?

Is it possible that too much time has passed or is this just another buffer I am placing to protect myself? Have I given up, stopped playing dead and finally curled up and died inside? Or is this just my dormant winter, readying myself to bloom again in spring?

Does a

Does a gesture of goodwill negate all past gestures of hostility?

Does it wipe the proverbial slate clean? Should it be allowed to if the person in question historically keps repeating the same hostilities? If they refuse to acknowledge their part in any events or ever appologise or approach things without malice or in a 'grown-up' way?

Who does it fall to to make the critical decisions when a relationship goes critical? If it has been worked on and treated to the best of one of their abilities with resistance or denial from the other, what is the next course of action?

Do I continue to put myself in harms way in the hopes you will clue in and something will click?

How do I know how much my heart and soul can deal with before it becomes a mirror of your own hardened heart?

If I

If I trust you with the map to let you see the path I took to get here, will you jab it and make remarks of "wrong turn there" or "how did you not see that big flashing warning sign".

I too well know these facts.

I too well know the crime of hope.

Hope for change in another. Hope for the miracle of putting aside of clung to ideals and the attempting of a real and honest relationship of any kind. Hope that you are valued in an others eyes even when they don't show it. The hope in yourself to pull out of the downwards spiral that you have found yourself in and have tried so many things to swim out of. The hope of a life of value and being valued.

If I tell you of the experiences that have shaped me, will you point out the scars or remark on the strength?

The friends who have used me. The family who have abandoned me. The enemies who hate me and cannot explain why, "just because". The will of choosing for myself that was never learned and the ability to shape shift to please others that was. The longing for a true lifelong friend. For a dearest dear to rest my shoulder on when I am tired, cry on when sad and hold tight to in moments of joy.

How does one begin to live authentically when one has no idea of the riches that lie inside and how to mine them?

May I

May I tell you dear anonymous imaginary friend all the dark and light that dwells here inside my soul?

May I take you with me to the scary places and again to the stupendous peaks of joy? To the moments of my bravery and the forever seconds of my meekness and surrender?

Will you stand at my side and reveal your soul to me? Hold mine within yours when it needs kindness? Take it by the scruff of it's neck at pull it back from the brinks of complete disaster? Sit together in stillness when it weeps the seemingly never ending tears of regret and heartbreak?

May I trust you to not intend to break me or belittle me? And may I finally be free and be only myself with you?