A bit of

It has been a bit of a dance for me.
I have felt sick from the swirling of life going on around me. I felt still jostled and not at all able to find the right rhythm or step.
I have had a bit of euphoria as I plan and purchase gifts for a few very special friends for very major occasions in their lives. But still inside is the bit of sadness and anger at the state of my lack of occasions.
I have spent many sleepless nights thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Then spent the days in between going much of the same again.
I feel as if I know the song, the steps and the tempo but am deaf to the beautiful music that is all around me and in fact within me.

in my absence

In my absence I have been journeying to a solution of sorts. It is still a long road for me to put on the finishing details or even attempt to see the end destination, but it is an answer. It requires effort and passion to see it through, to not fall away from the path. Somehow it is a baby step that I know will lead to new places and wonderful things.
I am scared. I am more frightened by the fact I am asking and answering these pondering all by myself. I am not falling into the past habits of continually double checking to see if you, or you, or even you approve. I am staging a full blown mutiny and taking control of my own course. I am terrified I will not be strong enough to hold course, to fight the battering doubts and voices (of myself and others who assume they know best), to shine like the north star.
I have no map, only a vague hope of the destination I hope to find.
That is enough.

if wishes were...

Here's a saying some of you might be familiar with.... if wishes were fishes then we'd all be fed.
What I want to know dearest readers, is why not?

Is it a question of not getting everything (or certain things) we wish for because really in the long run or in truth, they / it would not be good for us so, we don't get it. Or is it a question in other cases of just not really believing in your heart that you can or should be able to have it?

In my opinion... half a dozen of one and 6 of the other.

Awake and dreaming

I feel when I think of this certain person as if I am awake yet dreaming. He is not mine. He does not know I exist. Yet, somehow he makes my knees weak.
I imagine if I truly knew him I'd find his flaws just the same. That he'd point out all my quirks and the sparing of lovers would continue, just in another arena. But would it?
Is it possible that a soulmate, a true love, someone who sees your 'flaws' yet still is madly in love with you really exists?
I have settled for many things, including 'love' (or what turned out to not be love) in my past but in my heart there this dream of true love still lives. How it's survived all it's lies, aches, breaks and general mistreatment I will never know. How even in it's current state, it manages to still believe, even when the thinking part of me has given up on it, my heart still believes.
So dearest love, my heart tells me you are real and you are out there in this big world somewhere, this has been a note to let you know I still believe and I still wait to be held and safe in your embrace.

Did you

Did you miss me while I was away? Or like most I have known, was it a relief?

Did you wonder if this journal was a quick passing fancy and now I was off to lean my soul somewhere else? Or did you, having been intrigued by my writing, wish for me to hurry back to see more of my turmoil?

In truth I did miss you but I needed a break from the questioning. Not that I didn't do the questioning while I was away, because I did. I just needed the quiet introspection, the solitude to peruse.

Like the inevitable winter, I return and wait for the spring.

Have I

Have I been frightened too long?

Have I let too much of life pass me buy to begin to begin again? To discover and to renew my life? To find the passion that flared even briefly and harness it to bring me to a better place in my life and creativity?

Is it possible that too much time has passed or is this just another buffer I am placing to protect myself? Have I given up, stopped playing dead and finally curled up and died inside? Or is this just my dormant winter, readying myself to bloom again in spring?

Does a

Does a gesture of goodwill negate all past gestures of hostility?

Does it wipe the proverbial slate clean? Should it be allowed to if the person in question historically keps repeating the same hostilities? If they refuse to acknowledge their part in any events or ever appologise or approach things without malice or in a 'grown-up' way?

Who does it fall to to make the critical decisions when a relationship goes critical? If it has been worked on and treated to the best of one of their abilities with resistance or denial from the other, what is the next course of action?

Do I continue to put myself in harms way in the hopes you will clue in and something will click?

How do I know how much my heart and soul can deal with before it becomes a mirror of your own hardened heart?

If I

If I trust you with the map to let you see the path I took to get here, will you jab it and make remarks of "wrong turn there" or "how did you not see that big flashing warning sign".

I too well know these facts.

I too well know the crime of hope.

Hope for change in another. Hope for the miracle of putting aside of clung to ideals and the attempting of a real and honest relationship of any kind. Hope that you are valued in an others eyes even when they don't show it. The hope in yourself to pull out of the downwards spiral that you have found yourself in and have tried so many things to swim out of. The hope of a life of value and being valued.

If I tell you of the experiences that have shaped me, will you point out the scars or remark on the strength?

The friends who have used me. The family who have abandoned me. The enemies who hate me and cannot explain why, "just because". The will of choosing for myself that was never learned and the ability to shape shift to please others that was. The longing for a true lifelong friend. For a dearest dear to rest my shoulder on when I am tired, cry on when sad and hold tight to in moments of joy.

How does one begin to live authentically when one has no idea of the riches that lie inside and how to mine them?

May I

May I tell you dear anonymous imaginary friend all the dark and light that dwells here inside my soul?

May I take you with me to the scary places and again to the stupendous peaks of joy? To the moments of my bravery and the forever seconds of my meekness and surrender?

Will you stand at my side and reveal your soul to me? Hold mine within yours when it needs kindness? Take it by the scruff of it's neck at pull it back from the brinks of complete disaster? Sit together in stillness when it weeps the seemingly never ending tears of regret and heartbreak?

May I trust you to not intend to break me or belittle me? And may I finally be free and be only myself with you?