me again

Sorry, I really just needed to tell you how much joy that revelation gave me. Actually I don't think it's possible to express it but I'll try. I feel like the weight of the world was just lifted off my back!
It's not my fault. I really did try. It wasn't me being picky, or snarly. It was him, he didn't try even when I told him it really mattered! He didn't try because he didn't care enough. Because he couldn't accept he had faults too. But it isn't about him anymore......FINALLY!
Finally I can lay down the burden of responsibility. Yes I was in the relationship but it wasn't ALL my fault. I wasn't the reason why it broke down and failed.
I am free in my soul. I don't remember EVER feeling this way.
Thank you to whoever was looking out for me and decided to drop that one in my lap! I can live and choose and know I am a good person and I did my best and I am not going to settle for less that I deserve again.

revelation

Okay so something just occurred to me out of the freaking blue....
I have always wondered if it was just me, if I am such an unreasonable bitch(which if you knew me you'd know I am one of the most giving, open and accommodating people), if I just won't try, if he really wasn't that bad. Oh freaking dog! I have driven myself crazy about it.
Today while I was doing some schoolwork (yes, I have finally gone back to take a few classes) it occurred to me..... if it were just me who thought he is a douche then why when his workmates met me they almost all said the same thing...."Oh, I'm sorry for you." and they'd finish, "For being stuck with him. How do you do it? I'd kill him by now." It isn't just me!!!!! Holy fuck!!!!! If I'd only clued into the obvious before I could have saved myself so much guilt, agony and that sort of crap I've been subjecting myself to. WOW!
Now back to your regularly scheduled programme.

is it bad when...

Is it bad when your life / current state of mind reminds you of a movie? In my case it's a movie where all works out in the end but boy, is there some drama. Ever see the movie About a Boy? I'm starting to feel like that. Don't worry, there's no rescue by a dashing Mr Hugh Grant but I am planning one by my invisible friend. LOL's
It's not all that bad if I can still joke!

now

Starting to Remember - DuranDuran
best song to describe right now.

Rollercoaster of emotions up and down, spinning sideways at times it seems. I want to get off or at the very least have someone there beside me to hold my hand.

been

How you been doing?
The question if asked of me between now and then would have and could have been answered better and room to improve.
I have found the speed bump in the past few days. Ironically as things are improving.
I'm not looking for your sympathy. Nor for you to answer it or figure it all out for me.
I just wanted to tell someone, I just want to lay my head down and cry. I really could use a set of strong arms belonging to somebody who loves me to hold me right now. It would solve nothing but I wouldn't feel so alone in the universe.
And I spend tonight fighting against waves of sadness in a trap of my own creation.