I am feeling trapped in my life. I am alone really. My friends call when they need me (and yes this is after years in some cases of being the initiator and being the one who always called or messaged) and otherwise nothing. My sons dad is around out of obligation and our relationship has been over for years in frank honesty. I am stifled in a 'real job' or rather lack of one since I gave it all up to do artsy stuff at home to be with my kid years ago and now am unemployable. That fact wouldn't be so bad if my artsy life were doing anything half as well in sales as it was a few years ago. It's not.
I feel every day as if I am forcing myself to get up, to go on, to even exist.
I know lack of passion is the key here. I just find myself confused on how to light the spark within again.
I do feel sometimes as if coming here and kvetching isn't helping. Other times I feel it is because it's out there in black and white and I can say "phew, got that off my chest, feel a bit lighter".
I do hope it won't always be like this. I am grateful in the meantime for the dropping spot.
I know there is more to me than this. I know there is something wonderful in me. I know there are wonderful experiences, people and life waiting beyond all this.
Best song to describe feelings right now.... the Smiths - How Soon is Now
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
hello again
I want to be lyrical as in my beginning posts and perhaps I will again, another time.
I wanted to say forgive my absence and well, fuck you if you won't.
Life had overwhelmed me with injury and insults to injury. I however have felt like I am beginning to go with the current instead of fight it. It's a different feeling.
Things are far from sorted out. I have issues still, some the same some new, and some have moved on. I am still struggling with people in my life who refuse to see or believe how they hurt me. Perhaps I should just cut them out of my life you say. It's just not that easy when they are who they are. It's also not that easy when money is the way it is right now. I won't say that if I were to have say a million in my hands I would be having to deal with them but for now, as things are they inhabit that dark little corner over there. I will tell you that I refuse to linger with them in their misery and hate and misguidances.
Play nice with each other, I'll be back soon.
siri
xo
I wanted to say forgive my absence and well, fuck you if you won't.
Life had overwhelmed me with injury and insults to injury. I however have felt like I am beginning to go with the current instead of fight it. It's a different feeling.
Things are far from sorted out. I have issues still, some the same some new, and some have moved on. I am still struggling with people in my life who refuse to see or believe how they hurt me. Perhaps I should just cut them out of my life you say. It's just not that easy when they are who they are. It's also not that easy when money is the way it is right now. I won't say that if I were to have say a million in my hands I would be having to deal with them but for now, as things are they inhabit that dark little corner over there. I will tell you that I refuse to linger with them in their misery and hate and misguidances.
Play nice with each other, I'll be back soon.
siri
xo
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