me again

Sorry, I really just needed to tell you how much joy that revelation gave me. Actually I don't think it's possible to express it but I'll try. I feel like the weight of the world was just lifted off my back!
It's not my fault. I really did try. It wasn't me being picky, or snarly. It was him, he didn't try even when I told him it really mattered! He didn't try because he didn't care enough. Because he couldn't accept he had faults too. But it isn't about him anymore......FINALLY!
Finally I can lay down the burden of responsibility. Yes I was in the relationship but it wasn't ALL my fault. I wasn't the reason why it broke down and failed.
I am free in my soul. I don't remember EVER feeling this way.
Thank you to whoever was looking out for me and decided to drop that one in my lap! I can live and choose and know I am a good person and I did my best and I am not going to settle for less that I deserve again.

revelation

Okay so something just occurred to me out of the freaking blue....
I have always wondered if it was just me, if I am such an unreasonable bitch(which if you knew me you'd know I am one of the most giving, open and accommodating people), if I just won't try, if he really wasn't that bad. Oh freaking dog! I have driven myself crazy about it.
Today while I was doing some schoolwork (yes, I have finally gone back to take a few classes) it occurred to me..... if it were just me who thought he is a douche then why when his workmates met me they almost all said the same thing...."Oh, I'm sorry for you." and they'd finish, "For being stuck with him. How do you do it? I'd kill him by now." It isn't just me!!!!! Holy fuck!!!!! If I'd only clued into the obvious before I could have saved myself so much guilt, agony and that sort of crap I've been subjecting myself to. WOW!
Now back to your regularly scheduled programme.

is it bad when...

Is it bad when your life / current state of mind reminds you of a movie? In my case it's a movie where all works out in the end but boy, is there some drama. Ever see the movie About a Boy? I'm starting to feel like that. Don't worry, there's no rescue by a dashing Mr Hugh Grant but I am planning one by my invisible friend. LOL's
It's not all that bad if I can still joke!

now

Starting to Remember - DuranDuran
best song to describe right now.

Rollercoaster of emotions up and down, spinning sideways at times it seems. I want to get off or at the very least have someone there beside me to hold my hand.

been

How you been doing?
The question if asked of me between now and then would have and could have been answered better and room to improve.
I have found the speed bump in the past few days. Ironically as things are improving.
I'm not looking for your sympathy. Nor for you to answer it or figure it all out for me.
I just wanted to tell someone, I just want to lay my head down and cry. I really could use a set of strong arms belonging to somebody who loves me to hold me right now. It would solve nothing but I wouldn't feel so alone in the universe.
And I spend tonight fighting against waves of sadness in a trap of my own creation.

todays semi-vintage whine

I am feeling trapped in my life. I am alone really. My friends call when they need me (and yes this is after years in some cases of being the initiator and being the one who always called or messaged) and otherwise nothing. My sons dad is around out of obligation and our relationship has been over for years in frank honesty. I am stifled in a 'real job' or rather lack of one since I gave it all up to do artsy stuff at home to be with my kid years ago and now am unemployable. That fact wouldn't be so bad if my artsy life were doing anything half as well in sales as it was a few years ago. It's not.
I feel every day as if I am forcing myself to get up, to go on, to even exist.
I know lack of passion is the key here. I just find myself confused on how to light the spark within again.
I do feel sometimes as if coming here and kvetching isn't helping. Other times I feel it is because it's out there in black and white and I can say "phew, got that off my chest, feel a bit lighter".
I do hope it won't always be like this. I am grateful in the meantime for the dropping spot.
I know there is more to me than this. I know there is something wonderful in me. I know there are wonderful experiences, people and life waiting beyond all this.
Best song to describe feelings right now.... the Smiths - How Soon is Now

hello again

I want to be lyrical as in my beginning posts and perhaps I will again, another time.

I wanted to say forgive my absence and well, fuck you if you won't.

Life had overwhelmed me with injury and insults to injury. I however have felt like I am beginning to go with the current instead of fight it. It's a different feeling.

Things are far from sorted out. I have issues still, some the same some new, and some have moved on. I am still struggling with people in my life who refuse to see or believe how they hurt me. Perhaps I should just cut them out of my life you say. It's just not that easy when they are who they are. It's also not that easy when money is the way it is right now. I won't say that if I were to have say a million in my hands I would be having to deal with them but for now, as things are they inhabit that dark little corner over there. I will tell you that I refuse to linger with them in their misery and hate and misguidances.

Play nice with each other, I'll be back soon.

siri
xo